Caught 

My body fades into the stark black background. No one can see me. I can barely see myself. My hands are delicate and fragile, but also full of strength and resilience in others. Internal battles are constant. Caught is about my experience of an emotionally abusive relationship and the efforts it took to break through.

The manipulation of charcoal as an art medium requires care. It’s delicate nature means that it can be damaged with the mere swipe of a finger. Charcoal produces deep, velvety, stark tones. Tones which can represent being lost in an abyss. Drawing is a form of meditation for me, and thus a healing ritual. It allows me to focus on what is in front of me visually while simultaneously analyzing, processing, and letting go of thoughts that run through my brain. The act of drawing, harnessing repetitive movements, gives me the space and time which allows me to contemplate my healing and process my emotions. Processing the experience of an abusive relationship made me realize how rapidly life can change. My current state is not static. 

Oftentimes people wonder how one could get caught in a situation like this. I have asked myself the same question many times, but just like staring into an eclipse, when one is drawn to a desire, the damage goes unseen. Once you get a glimpse, you can become hypnotized. It feels impossible to look away because you are being coaxed in, but blinded at the same time. It is hard to convince yourself that you deserve more or that there is better. The desire you feel replaces your self control. You keep going back for more until it is nearly impossible to get out. I had a decision to make. Find my way out, or permanently blind myself. It took nearly all of my power to escape, but the alternative was to gradually be consumed as a person. I couldn’t afford to lose any more of myself. I chose to see that I am the control.